Past Poems (September)

Similar to the July and August installments of this series, I will be sharing poems I wrote in September of previous years.

To Protect

2 September 2013

Why?

These series of events,

Unfortunately mine?

Disheartening though they may seem,

Are only the surface emotion.

The truth

Lies beneath.

Inside my medieval castle.

Go over the moat,

through the outer wall,

Across the outer courtyard.

One is lucky to get this far,

for never is one through the inner wall,

To see the inner courtyard.

No one is ever invited

To my banquets,

In the protected and heavily guarded

Castle.

It contains what is not meant to be seen,

The secrets that lie within,

That I went to such lengths

To protect.

~~~~~

Not Soccer

4 September 2014

Tired, aching muscles

complaining loudly with

Every movement.

A sign that I

Worked hard,

Pushed myself.

This pain is my reward

for not exercising

After the soccer season ended.

But this was a

different kind of workout entirely.

Martial arts, jujitsu, grappling,

not Soccer.

~~~~~

Chocolate Blues

10 September 2015

Chocolate is awesome

at every time of day,

Chocolate is awesome

no matter the way —

Dark, milk, or white,

Chocolate is awesome

to replace the mundane

Chocolate is always the answer,

or I wish it was.

How sorry I feel for those

who can never know this love.

~~~~~

Procrastinating with Relationships

2 September 2016

Too long I’ll be gone

I’m wasting my time.

What am I doing with my life?

I have things to do,

Assignments to complete,

But instead I’m here with you

Making my feet ache.

~~~~~

The Notes to Fell Nosferatu

1 September 2017

The music played and wove along,

The witch controlled it with her wand.

She hummed along enjoying her song

on this fateful Tuesday morn.

“Knock, knock!” came a voice from near her door,

and darkness fell over the room.

“It’s us again, darling,” two voices together

as the sound enveloped the room.

The witch’s melody dropped to a whisper,

Lost in the silence of her shock.

And then into the room came the two headed queen,

A nosferatu, though she denied it was the same

as the long-hated vampire.

The witch bowed low to the ground,

careful to not lose control of her sound.

“Your Highness, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

She fought the sarcasm and kept her voice light,

steadying her wand to keep the music out of sight.

“You’ve been charged with treason,

so you’ll be coming with us.

Oh, and don’t put up a fuss,”

she spoke cheerily and smiled sweetly.

“I think not,” the witch said,

bringing the music to a crescendo again.

She brought out the sounds that hurt the queen most,

the nosferatu crumbled and covered her ears.

The music as a weapon would bring an escape!

Why hadn’t the queen thought that the tune might change?

But then in came the guards,

Three surly armed men with plugs in the ears

and swords in their hands.

Recap: Girl Defined Fixed My Anxiety

This is part of a series of posts called Recap. In it I will share my notes on the content I consumed followed by my response. The content could vary from a podcast, to an article, to a Youtube video, to a book I read. When applicable, I will link to the content.

Additionally this was written September 8th despite the url.

I recently watched Rachel Oates‘ video Girl Defined Fixed My Anxiety. I wrote about my struggle with mental heath on Over the Invisible Wall and I mentioned it in Why I’m Not a Christian. In my response to the video I share more about that.

Notes

Rachel Oates has dealt with anxiety and it’s been a big part of her life.

Girl Defined equates worry and anxiety in their video, but it’s not the same thing. Worry is something everyone faces frequently. Worry usually has an external cause. Anxiety on the other hand is more intense; worry on a way bigger scale. There’s more internal or physiological causes, and anxiety is longer term. It can have external triggers but is more internal.

First of Girl Defined’s points, you should pass your worries onto God. Rachel disagrees: what helped her with anxiety was feeling more in control; it was worst when she felt out of control.

Girl Defined’s 2nd point: don’t worry so much about the future that you forget to live now. Rachel shared how focusing on the present moment helped her at times when she was feeling overwhelmed because of anxiety. She said, “Things can change and things do change and you have the power to change them.”

Third point: worry isn’t helpful. Obviously. But you can’t just tell yourself to stop worrying or stop having a panic attack.

Fourth point: God promises to help those who trust him. Rachel wants proof that God exists, can help her, and has her best interests in mind before she’ll just trust him and throw out her medication.

Point five was to remember that God has a plan for you. Rachel disagrees, thinks better advice would be that while life is crappy sometimes it’s possible to recognize those things that make it so and make a plan to change them.

Girl Defined then tells people that following God more and praying is the best way to deal with and stop worrying or having anxiety. This is a dangerous mindset because it could stop people from getting the help they need and seeking treatment.

Rachel recommends Sane New World by Ruby Wax and Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig.

Response

I grew up in a Christian home and I dealt with depression. Which, yes, is very different, and not related to this specific topic directly, but it is a mental health issue. And I’ve seen Christians suggest partial “cures” for it in the same way Girl Defined suggested things for anxiety-conflated-with-worry. I was told at least once that my depression was probably due at least in part to my poor relationship with God. If only I would fix things with God and grow closer to him, I wouldn’t be so depressed. But I’ve had the opposite problem.

Rather than making me less depressed, it aggravated other problems. I feared I was not truly following Christ, that I hadn’t been forgiven, that my sins hadn’t been washed away, that I was one of the goats who thought they were Christians but were not and would burn in hell. This led me to hopelessness. I had some security in my faith to a degree, but it wasn’t enough. It didn’t convince me. It couldn’t convince me. The what ifs swirled on and on, building up. It took me to a point where there was no hope, no certainty, no reason to believe my life mattered.

I was taught that everyone’s true purpose was to glorify God. But I couldn’t discern whether I was truly glorifying him or if I was trying to glorify myself. There was no way to be sure. I kept reaching a point where my relationship with God, if you can call it that, felt ingenuine, more obviously fake than I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter™. And that drove me further into hopelessness and a fear of hell. It also drove me toward atheism.

If this God existed, he clearly did not intend for me to follow him. I can’t. I’ve tried everything and I can’t do it. It always flakes. I always feel like I’m faking it, going through the motions, holding a veil over everyone’s eyes, especially my own. So it seems that he is either not real or he is not good, because he is surely sending me to hell. I wanted to follow him. I wanted to believe. So badly. So badly. But I couldn’t. It always fell apart. Every time.