Today’s Poems

I’m back! It’s been a very long time since I wrote a blog post. For those of you who are returning to my website, you may notice that I have a new url and my name has changed. I’m trans, my name is Alex. I plan on writing about that because I think it’s important for me to do that for myself.

Right now, though, you’re here to read poetry. So on with it!


Adulting Sucks

It’s been almost four weeks
and I still feel like I’m dreaming,
disconnected from what’s happening.
But at the same time
it feels too real,
Reality’s cold, sharp nails
digging into my skin
making me long for
the childlike carefree nature
I doubt I ever had.
Adulting sucks
but I control my own destiny
far moreso than ever before.

Disassociating

I’ve been swimming
these past three weeks,
nearly drowning in disassociation
and gulping and gasping for breath
just before I’d have drowned,
my body floating up
lifeless and blue
forever separated from my soul.
Who am I?
Am I me?
Is this happening to me?
That is my body, isn’t it?
But where am I?
Three weeks I’ve nearly drowned,
lost from my own life,
disconnected from my own experiences.

Apprenticeship Week 12

Alyssa shares an update of the work she’s done over the last week.

It’s been another week somehow. It does not seem like it should be week 12 of my apprenticeship, either. I’m already almost to then end of three months, which is halfway. Wow! I knew time would fly but I was not prepared for it to fly this fast.

Projects

Over the past week I’ve continued working on the myriad projects I’ve been discussing in the last couple of posts.

Work/Original One Parts

APS reps/Action Alerts

I have been working on the APS rep/action alert project for five weeks now. It is tedious and often dreadfully dull, but I’m slogging through it. I’ve kept up with the incoming emails, and I’m slowly making progress through the old morning emails.
I want to say “soon I’ll be moving on to the action alert part of the project and just manage the morning emails.” But I have a long way to go. I’m focusing on the emails from February to June because those are the ones I have to log the number of shop visits for. Once I get through those, I’ll only have to update the market databases to include all the shops visited. There’s still so many steps to this project. I’m making progress, but it’s going to take a long time to finish the first step. And then I have another part of the project that I haven’t even started on.

Other Work Things

As far as other things go, I’m more efficient at processing online orders. I always process orders in exactly the same way.

  • For Parts Trader orders, I pull up the shop account in Salespad using the zip code and open the invoice window under that account.
  • Then I put the VIN in the invoice notes, then I put it in our customer service portal so I can check the parts being ordered.
  • I put my initials into the invoice sales rep box, select the correct shipping method, the platform, and the insurance company.
  • Before I go under the vehicle in the customer service portal to verify the part fitment, I copy the vehicle year, make, and model information into the invoice notes.
  • Then I put the PO or RO into that section of the invoice.
  • I run the sku number through Salespad’s inventory function to make sure we have the part and see if it’s in the St. Louis or Dallas warehouse. Depending on where the shop is, sometimes I want to see if I can send it out of Dallas, other times I have to send it out of Dallas. As long as we have the part, I proceed. If we don’t have the part, I skip the rest and call the shop to tell them I’m rejecting the order on Parts Trader and why.
  • I then add the sku to the invoice and save it.
  • Then I check the contact name as listed on Parts Trader. I use that when I add the order to the daily sales log.
  • After I add it to the sales log, I confirm the order on Parts Trader, and move on to the next order or task I have to complete.

I follow a similar process for the CCC and eBay orders, too. There’s some different particular steps based on the platform, but it’s always the same. Doing it the same way every time allows me to be as efficient as possible so I can move on to other tasks.

Freelancing

I opened a gig last week on Fiverr for proofreading/editing/constructive criticism. I haven’t been hired. I’m going to do some research to learn how other people got started freelancing on Fiverr. That might help me get the gig to take off. I tried offering a special deal to Praxis participants, but that went nowhere. I’m planning to offer a deal to people who follow me on social media in exchange for a review afterwards, but I haven’t initiated it yet.I’m also considering opening a gig to organize other people’s poetry collections. I might hold off until I finish the new poetry collection I started, though, just to not juggle my personal projects and freelance projects any more than I have to.

Personal

I separated this from the freelancing projects/progress because while, yes, freelancing is a personal project, it’s also something I’m trying to start professionally. This category is everything else.

Poetry Collection

I did a little bit of work on my upcoming poetry collection this week. I added about six or seven more poems to the Google doc. I still have two notebooks to sort through and a Google doc I started writing poetry in.

New Novel

I’ve written about every other day in the novel I started and every day in the journal I’m writing in Blurt. I’ve learned a lot more about a few of the side characters and started to get some ideas for more scenes. I have more material to draw on for inspiring more scenes, some of which I might not write from the perspective of the main character. I ran into a writing prompt that was something like, “write about the happiest day of your life,” so I’m having all of the characters do that. I learn more about the character, their voice, and I get to have fun with it! It can be anything. Even if it doesn’t make it into the novel, I’ll have a collection of every characters’ best day.

Apprenticeship Week 9

A snapshot of some mental health from the last couple weeks as well as some project updates and announcements.

This is late. I should not be writing this on Monday, but here I am.Not a lot happened last week. I don’t know if that’s a skewed look at the week, but I think it is. I’m going to do something I haven’t done in these posts so far. And that’s discuss some of the more mental side of things. I don’t have a lot to say for how I tangibly spent the week, but I do know that I spent it.

Work and Mental Health

I’ve talked about struggling with mental health here and on Over the Invisible Wall (which has sadly died). What I haven’t done is give a glimpse into its affectations in the present. Everything I’ve previously discussed wasn’t so now.

For the first month, I was on an emotional “I’m getting my life together!” high, and it was fantastic. I was sad to leave Panera because of the friends I’d made, but I was also moving forward.The last couple weeks have blurred and have felt the same. I feel disjointed, almost, seeing the positives of the steps forward but also feeling like I’m standing still. I see the work I’m doing at Original One Parts, but then a cloud obscured my motivation. It doesn’t feel like drudgery, exactly, but it appears like a huge, monstrous project to slog through. I see the paradox of what I’m writing. That it isn’t what it is. And maybe that’s me trying to stay optimistic. Because there’s definitely trends to suggest that’s been a struggle of mine.

And these last couple weeks have been new instances of the same old winds.

Personal Projects

This weekend I decided to start my next poetry collection. Coincidentally it is one presenting a lot of the darkness I went through, mostly not super recent. The darkness lately hasn’t been as dark or as long lasting, for which I’m thankful. It’s going to be a sensitive, difficult collection both for me to make and for people to read. I think it will be good, though, to publish it, because it could help shed light on what it’s like to be depressed and even suicidal. It’s not pleasant, like Inside a Writer’s Head, but by being able to see and start to understand the darkness, it could make it easier to help people who are struggling with it.

The second project I only just settled on last night. It was a difficult decision, but I’m putting Mystical Warriors on hold. I’m going to start a new novel. I am not going to share what it’s about yet, though. This one will be a surprise.

The main worry I have in starting a new novel is that I will run into the same problem I’ve always had, which is that I get tired of the idea. I managed to fall in love with Mystical Warriors, become “obsessed” with my own world and story enough to spend time writing. I got over 30k words. But then I didn’t write for a long time, and I feel disconnected from the story. I’m going to combat this by writing every day in Blurt. I’m not going to write the story in order, because that has proved difficult. Rather, I’m going to write short bits and pieces and scenes as I desire to and sort of cut and paste them together later. Almost like a collage. If it works, I plan to take this approach with Mystical Warriors when I return to it, too.

“Rock Climbing” (Poem)

A short narrative poem by Alyssa Wright about someone practicing rock climbing.

A glance up,
A glance down inverts my stomach.
First the right hand, then the left.
Now the right foot, now the left.
On and on and on,
Up and up and up
I go, looking down no more.
The bell! Yes, the bell!
Ring, ring, ring!
Triumphantly, I rappel down the side
of the rock climbing wall.

“Songbird’s Haunting Death Song” (Poem)

A short narrative poem by Alyssa Wright about a songbird who sings of Death, Nightmare, and Danger.

The Songbird sang her sonnet,
A darkly melodious tune, tinted
by ominous and haunting swoons.
Soon she’s found herself an audience,
drawn by her curious tune:
He draws nigh,
He comes close
In the night,
Coming by to
Bear you home.
It is of Death she does so speak,
though Death’s duration she cannot leak.
Her sonnet moves on with her enraptured watchers,
Singing first again of Death then moving
To hauntingly mention Nightmare.
Then darkening her tone with the twilight,
her melody moans of Danger’s lurking near.
Enraptured becomes terrified and gone-all are the listeners,
just as Songbird finishes her last moon.

“At the Beach” (Poem)

A fine, gritty powder
beneath my feet,
A cool, wet, salty foam
lapping at my ankles,
A wetting yet thirsty spray
breathed into my mouth and nose,
A rhythmic whoosh, impatient yet calm
echoing through my ears,
A bright yellow light and soft green-blue
colored in my mind by my eyes.